A Soul's Thoughts

--by Nechama Grinspan

I've always wondered why I think about the stars as much as I do.
And sometimes, when I look in the mirror for too long, I wonder if I look too much like my sister.
Then, oftentimes, I would look again and see myself outlined with a marker,

crossed out like the science test I failed back in 4th grade.

Sometimes, I wonder why I resist talking to my sister
and why I have more empathy for dying flowers than for my own brother.
But then I remember how he kicked out my front tooth in fifth grade,

But I also think maybe because I wasn't as kind as I could've been.

I constantly watch my love and hate dance like the sun and moon for my oldest brother.
I tire easily of staying stagnant, so I feel the need to hunt, gather, and reassemble every part of my 

    self, soul, and mind,

in order to become as true, and as new as I could possibly be.
And so oftentimes, I'm left wondering if I'll ever know what it's like to be perfectly content.

Then there are the nights I worry that I look too deeply, that I think too much and too closely into 

    God’s Mind.
And I worry my words aren't eloquent or poetic enough to consider my poetry as real as the sun.
And so oftentimes, I'm left wondering if I'll ever know what it's like to be perfectly content.
But then one day, Ariel told me that I was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him.

And one time, my best friend told me she loves my eyes because they turn gold in the sun,
And that's the color she always thought was God's favorite.
And then, one day, I helped an old man pick up his cane and afterwards, I cried for not picking it up    

    sooner for him.
and on the last day of 6th grade, my teacher cried while saying goodbye to me.

I think a lot about whether or not God has favorites.
I picture Him with a list, circling names with a marker,
And I picture Him whispering to the luminaries while pointing at me.
And yet, I still wonder why I think about the stars as much as I do.